Practical Ways to Try for What You Actually Want
We don't have to be our own worst enemy.
Thank you for reading And Also, a weekly newsletter featuring personal stories and lesson plans to help you navigate life ✨!
Maybe it’s indicative of the collective pressure of a fresh new year, but I was pretty blown away by how many people resonated with my last essay on self-sabotage:
There was my friend who realized she was setting herself up for failure by setting a big movement goal that she expected herself to maintain every day for the entire year.
There was another friend who shared that she might be self-sabotaging by doing, doing, doing in her external world which left her no space or energy to do the internal work she knew she really needed.
And another friend who responded that she had taken the brave step to submit her writing for a contest (and won!), but now felt tempted to sabotage her future efforts for fear of succeeding and being seen.
Same, same, same!
I appreciate those of you who wrote to share your own experiences of self-sabotage. You reminded me that this is such a very normal, human thing to do! Adorable, really.
Just a couple days ago, I sent a text to my cousin that said: “I think you need to be a bit gentler with yourself and your brain. Your brain is actually doing a brilliant job trying to protect you and keep you safe. Perhaps not in the most emotionally healthy ways, but it is [doing it] in the only way it knows. Maybe start by being kinder with that part (because it is, in fact, a part of YOU) and honoring how it’s trying to serve you.”
(One of my favorite parts of being his wise older cousin is giving him advice I really need to take myself!)
That’s where my head was at, first and foremost, this week, as I considered the activities we could take on together to release ourselves from the grips of self-sabotage: Why not start by understanding and accepting it for what it is? By being grateful that there’s a part of us so attuned to our safety and survival.
We don’t always need its help (at least, not in the way it so often tends to offer it), but what a relief to know that it’s there when we do!
I felt a real tenderness toward the part of me that leans toward self-sabotage this week; a gratitude for what it’s done for me and what it teaches me even when sabotaging my own efforts is not the most effective way forward.
And therein lies the second practice I’ve considered for working with self-sabotage: Becoming aware of it. Because it can be quite sneaky, right?
In her book, The Mountain Is You, author and speaker, Brianna Wiest writes:
“Sometimes, we sabotage our relationships because what we really want is to find ourselves, though we are afraid to be alone. Sometimes, we sabotage our professional success because what we really want is to create art, even if it will make us seem less ambitious by society’s measures. Sometimes, we sabotage our healing journey by psychoanalyzing our feelings, because doing so ensures we avoid actually experiencing them. Sometimes, we sabotage our self-talk because if we believed in ourselves, we’d feel free to get back out into the world and take risks, and that would leave us vulnerable.”
It’s not always easy to see what we’re doing in real time, of course. So instead, I look for the signs of self-sabotage:
Procrastinating on important tasks
Deprioritizing projects or activities I enjoy
Expecting perfection in my outcome or output
Consistently feeling regret or disappointment
Feeling disconnected from myself or my purpose
For a long time, “writing” fell in every one of these categories for me. It was strange, because for my entire career, writing has been a significant part of my job, but I still felt disconnected from what I was “supposed” to be doing; from the more personal, more creative writing that felt so central to who I am. And, of course, that more personal writing was what I most often procrastinated on, deprioritized, expected perfection from, and consistently regretted that I hadn’t done.
(I’m working on it!)
Underneath these ways of behaving — the procrastination, the perfectionism, etc. — there is always a feeling.
Is it fear?
Is it anxiety?
Is it exhaustion?
Is it just unfamiliar?
Just last week, I saw a reel from Haley Hoffman Smith, a popular writer, singer, and mindset expert I follow, where she said: “If my subconscious was trying to keep me safe by keeping this blocked or by making sure that I continue to procrastinate on it or just conveniently forget to do it, what reason would that be? Why would my subconscious want to keep me safe here?”
I absolutely loved this question, because it not only identifies the feeling underneath your behavior, it also explains why you’re feeling that feeling!
I’m not writing my book because I’m afraid it will never be published, and my childhood dream will be dead.
I’m not working on the curriculum materials for my course because I’m worried I’m not expert enough to teach this.
I’m not practicing the big presentation I have to give in two weeks because I’m anxious that the attendees won’t get any value out of it.
I’m not saying the reasons make “logical” sense (though they kind of do!). But that clarity does highlight that there’s a value to your self-sabotaging behavior: It is fulfilling a need for you — can you get clear on what that need is?
There have been scientific studies that show all it takes is 90 seconds to process an emotion once you’ve noticed it. Harvard brain scientist, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, says:
“When a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens; any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.”
While I respect the work of a brain scientist, I’ve personally found that it’s easier said than done to simply choose whether or not to stay in an emotional loop. If you can, great! If you’re finding it’s taking a little longer than 90 seconds, these are the three things that have supported my own emotional processing the most:
Working with a professional: Perhaps the most obvious and most valuable way to “feel my feelings” has been with the guided facilitation of a professional. I have worked with therapists and coaches and group programs and combinations of all three, to great success — especially when I have someone I can consistently return to as I find even more emotions have popped up for processing! However, I realize that’s not always an accessible option, so the following two exercises are free alternatives that have also served me well.
Journaling: This is perhaps my favorite way of processing my feelings, because I personally tend to learn most about what I’m thinking and feeling just through the act of writing those things down. There’s something about putting pen to paper that makes the articulation of my feelings both more clear and more real. I find that, whenever I’m feeling stuck or confused, simply starting to journal on it will lead me to the answers I need.
The “Fear Inventory” is a specific journaling practice that can offer a clear structure to identify and reframe what’s underneath any self-sabotaging behaviors.
(I first heard about the Fear Inventory from author, Carolyn Elliott, who has a version of this in her book, Existential Kink.)
It goes like this:
Write your fears down to bring them into your awareness
Say them out loud to someone (or even to yourself!) to make them “real” and lessen the emotional charge
Acknowledge the part of you that gets positive reinforcement from feeling these fears
Then, reframe those fears into more empowering statements about yourself.
I practice this in a very casual way quite often — usually by getting up from my desk, walking into the living room, and nonchalantly telling Jordan why I’m procrastinating on the most important projects in my life yet again. But of course, you can make the practice as casual or as formal as you’d like. (If available to you, this is a great activity to do with a mental health professional!)
Surprisingly, just saying your real fears out loud — and not making yourself wrong for them — is a really helpful way to diffuse them of power.
EFT Tapping: This is a practice I’ve dabbled in on and off over the last five-ish years. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) tapping is a mind-body connection technique that involves tapping on acupressure points across your face and upper body while focusing on a specific issue. Yes, it sounds weird. Yes, it looks even weirder. But it actually works! At least, it has for me and a lot of other people. The light pressure of the tapping is said to restore energy balance in your body that may otherwise be “stuck” in a negative experience or feeling about an experience.
My favorite practitioners are Haley Hoffman Smith and Gala Darling, as well as Brad Yates, who has a lot of amazing free EFT tapping videos on his YouTube channel! You can literally just search an issue you’re dealing with (e.g., “fear of failing” + “EFT tapping”), and find a video to guide you through the process.
Lastly, I like to remind myself that things can usually be easier than I’m making them out to be. These are a few of the ways I’ve been putting this mindset into practice lately:
As I mentioned last week, I simply ask myself — or journal on — the questions: What if this were easy? How would I feel? How would I behave? What step would I take next? And then I do those things.
I return to my preferred tools and practices for understanding how I’m designed to operate in the world — for me, that’s Human Design and astrology. For you, that might be through personal self-exploration or through a spiritual practice. As an example, as a 6/2 Projector in Human Design, I’m designed to guide other people (when invited to) by focusing on my natural talents and sharing my experiences. (And yes, writing and sharing this newsletter is exactly how I’m designed to operate ✨)
I, quite literally, force it to be easy by making my goal/project/ideal ridiculously small. Like, I-feel-a-little-bit-silly-about-how-small-it-is small. James Clear evangelizes about this often in his book, Atomic Habits, where he discusses how even one percent improvements can lead to massive change over time. If you want something to be so easy you can’t self-sabotage, just make it smaller (even smaller!) and see how it goes from there.
Quite conveniently, I recently read this short note of inspiration from Kara Cutruzzula of Brass Ring Daily on why we should try to do the things we care about:
“. . . the only truly scary outcome is never trying for what you actually want.”
I hope the tips and tools I’ve offered today encourage you to go after what you actually want!