“People aren't looking for you to be perfect. They're looking for you to be human.” (Interview)

Brianna Wiest on Self-Sabotage, Strengthening Your Creative Muscle, and Simple Steps to Change Your Life

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Photo of Brianna Wiest via Shop Catalog

Today’s interview is a few years old, but still incredibly relevant.

Back in spring 2020, I had an inspiring conversation with author and speaker, Brianna Wiest, on my then-podcast, Brave Enough to Be. We had a wide-reaching conversation about personal growth, creative expression, mindset shifts, self-inquiry, and overcoming self-sabotage that left me feeling so encouraged and excited to get back to the work of writing and creating — and just not feeling so stuck at the onset of what we were quickly realizing was a global pandemic. 

Given my focus on the topic of self-sabotage this month, I wanted to bring back some of the key insights Brianna shared with me back then. Below, you’ll find a few of my favorite thoughts from our conversation. You can also listen to the full conversation on Brave Enough to Be.

Since our interview, Brianna has published three more books — Ceremony, This is How You Heal and The Pivot Year — and started a podcast of her own! You can read more of her writing, buy her books, and find a link to her podcast on her website, on Instagram, or through her email newsletter.

And now, on to Brianna . . .

HOW TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE

You can use different practices to find what works for you. Journaling was a big one for me — so, first of all, just journaling what I'm thinking and feeling each day, so I can start seeing my patterns. You're pretty much unconscious of most of your behaviors, until you start seeing your patterns; until you start seeing, “Oh, this keeps happening, [these] relationships keep turning out the same way, I keep feeling the same way every single day.” So then you start to kind of pull the thread through, like, “Alright, well, what's the common denominator in all of this?” 

Step two: Use the journal to consciously recreate what I want to experience in my life . . . I will open my journal, and will start saying, “I am so happy and grateful now that . . .”, and I will write into existence what I want to experience. “I'm completely at peace each day. I have loving and happy relationships. I'm so great at friendships. I am so happy and grateful that I get to be at home doing what I love every single day and impacting people.” 

Another amazing way to do it is actually to record your voice saying “I am” statements, and listen to it or fall asleep listening to it, like, “I'm strong”, “I am moving forward”, “I'm letting go of the past” . . .

And then it's time for action; it's time to make concrete goals. There has to be concrete steps that we are taking to make a change. So that's, you know, “I'm paying off all of this debt. And here's how I'm doing it each month, each year, until it's gone.” “I'm going to be living here by this time next year. Here's how we're going to do it. Here's when we're going to do it.” And there has to be strategy, so it's more than just, “Well, I want to think differently. So let me just hope for it.” There has to be strategy and there has to be concrete steps. It starts with a shift in how we think and feel. But really, the execution of it is very practical.

BEING HUMAN OVER BEING PERFECT

I have put my heart and soul into a piece that I'm like, “This is the best thing I've ever done.” It gets like three views. And then this thing that I just had to write quickly because I had an assignment gets 16 million. I actually really do think that's because, in the one that I didn't have those attachments to, I let myself go to that flow state and just do it . . . where the one I was so attached to, I almost brought the quality down, because I was trying so hard to make it perfect or a certain way. I do find this often too specifically for writers — people aren't looking for you to be perfect. They're looking for you to be human. They don't care if [your writing’s] not perfect. They don't care if it's not the most intelligent academic thing they've ever read. They don't want that. [They want] something that makes them feel better as a human.

STRENGTHENING YOUR CREATIVE MUSCLE

We think that creativity is like a well that you tap dry — like there's only so much of it — [but] it's actually a muscle that strengthens with use. So the more you do it, the better it gets. In the first few years [as a writer], when I would sit down to make a pitch list, it would take me days. Now I would say it takes me 10 minutes. And I can just come up with stuff, but it's because I'm practicing all the time. So what I realized is your creative muscle . . . it gets stronger and stronger and stronger. And I really am excited to see where it's going to be when I'm 80. I think that — I hope anyway — my best work will come at the very end of my life.

ON SHOWING UP FOR YOURSELF

That's what stops people — it's looking around to other people saying, “Am I good enough for my own life? Am I good enough for my own art? Am I good enough to show up for myself?” And you're like, “Wait, why am I asking anyone else? Why am I using their opinions or their ideas as the metric of my life?” I think that self hate is a learned thing, because we learn that, “Oh, this isn't good. And people don't like this.” You're still looking around at other people to tell you that you’re enough for your own life. 

And usually, when you play that game of “Do other people think I'm good enough?”, the answer is always no. Because you can't be everything to everyone. And everyone's going to have a slightly different image of you or opinion, and you're going to seem one way to one person and another way to another person.

So when you're trying to kind of water down your personality so that you can be perfect for everyone, you just completely lose yourself. And that's when you just shut down and stay small . . . if I'm looking outward, for that sense of worthiness, well, I'm not going to get it so I'm not going to show up. The piece that you're missing is when you start showing up, and it's enough for you, [other people’s opinions] won't even matter. You won't even think about it.

NOT BEING CONTROLLED BY FEAR

All the things that I thought I was so afraid of outside of me were actually just projections of what I was afraid of inside of me . . . For all the years that I so severely held myself back, it was what we were just speaking about before, which was like, “Well, I'm not good enough for this, and I'm not, you know, beautiful enough for this person, or I'm not enough for . . .” you know, whatever the story is.

And then it started shifting [to], “How do I become enough for me?” And I was committed to it completely. There was no obstacle that could come in front of me that would stop me. And then I started finding my power again . . . You're like, “Well, what if I start my business, and then what if it doesn't work out and then I’m broke?” I had to come to a place of “Okay, well, then you're broke, and you're gonna start again.” That's it. “What if I put this book out and it tanks?” “Alright, well, then it tanks. You're gonna write another one.” “You're not going to stop because of something outside of you going wrong. It's just going to be a redirect, a learning opportunity, a bump — and we're going to move on.”

When I was self sabotaging, I thought that the end of the world was the end of me . . . And what we realize is that it is not. And that's when, you know, you stop being really controlled by your fear of what could happen.

THE ONE QUESTION TO ASK WHEN YOU’RE BLOCKED

Self sabotage is when you have two coexisting, but conflicting needs — one you are conscious of, one you are unconscious of. So anytime you are running into a consistent block in your life, the question you need to be asking yourself is: Why would I want this [block]? 

Why would I want this battle or struggle? Why am I attached to this battle or struggle? Or what is it about the thing that I'm trying to pursue that some part of me doesn't really want? 

Because what you're going to start breaking down is a bunch of different truths about your life, which is: 1. That's not a healthy or realistic goal for me — like, “I want to be happy all the time”. That's not healthy, you’ll get stuck. You could never achieve it. You need a different goal. Another one is, 2. You don't actually want the thing you say you want. You're like, “Well, I want to, you know, travel the world.” Do you? Or do you want a greater sense of freedom?

Takeaways from My Interview with Brianna

1. Start changing your life by changing the way you think and changing the way you speak. You'll have a completely different life faster than you can imagine. 

2. Creativity isn't a well you tap dry. It's a muscle that strengthens with use, the more you do it, the stronger it gets. 

3. You don't have to pretend that your fear or judgment isn't there but don't let it keep you from doing what you want to do. 

4. If you feel that you have something to say it's probably something that someone else needs to hear. 

5. Don't let other people's opinions dictate the metrics of your life. Don't look around to other people to tell you if you're good enough for your own life. 

6. Ask yourself what do I need to be at peace today? Look inside yourself and figure out what's actually stopping you from getting that. 

7. Try living from your heart instead of from other people's eyes

Listen to the full interview with Brianna on Brave Enough to Be HERE.