On My Mind Lately

Mini Essays on Couples' Comedy Specials, Vanderpump Rules, and Posting “Cringe-y” Poetry

Thank you for reading And Also, a weekly newsletter featuring personal stories and lesson plans to help you navigate life ✨!

Photo by Laurel Segrist on Dupe

In typical Gemini season fashion, there’s been a lot on my mind lately. And in lieu of one essay on one topic, I thought I’d reflect a little bit on a few different ideas today.

Let’s get into it. 

Couples Therapy & Comedy Specials

Jordan and I recently completed two years of couples therapy together — and I’ve been feeling especially grateful for the growth in our relationship and the unique moments of connection that show me our bond is stronger.

For instance, while I know this is not specific to us as a couple, I’m pretty sure each of us finds the other to be one of the funniest people we know — and we have a long-running joke with each other where we’ve decided that each of us will one day have our own comedy special.

Two future comedians with Netflix specials

Are either of us stand-up comedians? No. Have either of us shared stories for laughs from a stage? Not really.

And yet, when one or the other of us says something especially funny in everyday conversation, the other will respond: “Save that for your special”. And we do! Or at least I do: I have a note in my phone of all of the one-liners and jokes I’ve unknowingly (at first) “workshopped” with Jordan over the years. We’ve even named our specials, and they make us titter with laughter whenever we repeat them. 

The best part of the joke is that I’m not even sure we’re joking anymore. I think there might be a small (or maybe not even?!) part of us that genuinely sees that on-stage comedy special future for the other, because we just find each other that hilarious. 

Just last weekend, we were driving home from picking Hazel up from daycare and I said something funny (that I won’t repeat here — you’ll have to tune in to my special!) to which Jordan turned to me and replied, “That one goes in your special.” I felt warmth flood my cheeks, as I picked up my phone and typed it in. 

I didn’t always used to give as much attention to these little moments of connection; to the feeling of being seen and appreciated in these small, specific ways by him. But now — thanks in no small part to two years of therapy – I often do. 

Who knows if either of us actually have a future in stand-up comedy, but either way, it always feels good to know you can make your favorite person laugh.

Vanderpump Rules & (Hyper)Vigilance

I hadn’t watched the Bravo reality show, Vanderpump Rules, in years when the “Scandoval” first broke in March 2023, but I was immediately re-invested once it did. I consistently checked the social media accounts of the cast, I read gossip news sites that breathlessly reported “updates”, I subscribed to Peacock TV just so I could tune in to the Season 10 reunion — and then watch the fallout/follow-up in Season 11 as well. 

I don’t think I’m unlike a lot of people in this regard, of course; over 2.2 million people tuned in to Vanderpump Rules after the news broke that long-time cast member, Tom Sandoval, had cheated on his partner of a decade, Ariana Madix, with another cast member. This is human nature, of course — to be interested in the most real parts of reality TV, especially when they allow us to vicariously live through heartache/trauma/drama that we don’t actually have to experience ourselves. 

But it’s been over a year since the scandal, Season 11 recently ended, and for the most part, everyone in the VPR orbit seems ready to move on with their lives. And yet, I noticed recently that I’m still regularly checking the social media accounts of the cast (and Bravo fan Instagram accounts) pretty religiously. I’m clocking in at least daily on not just what Ariana, Katie, Lala, Scheana, Tom and Tom, and even Jo are posting — and also what their social media audiences have to say about it. I’m reading podcast recaps and scrolling through Instagram and Reddit comments. My “Explore” page is heavily weighted toward Vanderpump Rules content (and some dogs, of course) — and it made me wonder why this cast, why this particular drama, why all of it has become so enthralling to me. 

The more that I think about it, I actually don’t think that it’s enthralled me so much as it’s terrified me — this level of attention and discourse and criticism (of literally everyone listed above) is my actual worst nightmare. As someone who has spent the majority of her life trying to be aware of and manage people’s perception of her, it feels incredibly dysregulating to my nervous system to imagine what the cast of VPR (or any celebrity embroiled in “scandal”) must be going through. And at the same time, that’s exactly why I can’t seem to look away.

Something I’ve been conscious of and working through — both in therapy and on my own — for awhile now is my hypervigilance; my tendency to hyperfocus on the reactions and behaviors of those around me as a way to assess a given situation — specifically someone’s attitude, behavior, and feelings toward me — and approach it so that I can manage other people’s reactions and keep myself “safe”. Though it’s lessened as I’ve become more and more aware of it (and as I have developed a more stable sense of safety within myself), this hypervigilance still shows up in some of my relationships, in work interactions, and certainly on social media where I can see in real-time exactly how other people expect me (or Ariana Madix, for that matter) to show up in order to be accepted and loved. 

Obviously, hypervigilance — especially when it takes this form of social media surveillance — is not healthy, and obviously, it is an unwinnable situation. Even if I were able to keep tabs on exactly how anyone wanted me to behave, I’d never be able to do or say or be any which way that would please everyone. 

And so, it’s been helpful for me to recognize that this is happening — especially in this odd, parasocial way. It’s been interesting to note that, even as my attention to hypervigilance in my day-to-day life has lessened, it has found sneaky ways to try and keep me safe in the comments sections of social media — and to maybe admit to myself that the most “safe” option for me might be to stay off social media more often than not for a bit.

Putting My “Cringe-y” Poetry on the Internet

Image via The Paris Review

I listened to a podcast episode recently on the topic of being cringe — or “having an inward feeling of acute embarrassment or awkwardness” — and one of the hosts pointed out that “putting yourself out there is cringe”. 

I don’t disagree! “Putting yourself out there” — whether in a new relationship or in sharing your creative work or getting involved with a cause you care about — is inherently vulnerable, because it requires you to put down your metaphorical armor, to be authentic, to let people see the tender underbelly of who and how you really are. That sort of earnest authenticity, whether we like it or not, is often perceived as really, really cringe-y. 

And of course I thought about this before I shared the poetry I wrote during my most recent 100-Day Challenge on Instagram. It always feels vulnerable to share my writing with a wider audience, but for some reason, poetry feels especially so; especially open to criticism. 

Maybe because poetry appreciation is so subjective? 

Maybe because poetry writing is only allowed to be “playful” when written by children?

Maybe because, by its very nature, poetry is exposing, emotional, so enamored of someone or something that it can only be described with lilting lyricism? 

Maybe because all of the above are just the “rules” made up in my head?

I don’t know. But I know I was nervous the first couple of times I shared my hand at it on Instagram. And I know that, by the last time I shared a few of my poems — just a few days after the Challenge had ended — I felt excited to share; empowered even! 

It’s not that I thought my poems were so good (though they’re not bad!) or that I had gotten so much better at writing poetry over the 100 days (though I suspect I did); it was that I just didn’t care whether it came off as cringe or not. By the end, I was posting to celebrate me and what I had created; if other people liked it, that was icing on the cake. And if they didn’t? Well, I wrote a poem just for them too.

---

• Idea: As astrologer,

  Gwen Yi 🌻
  , shared recently, Gemini is the “realm of communication, connection, and words”. No matter where “the Twins” fall in your natal chart, you’re likely feeling that same buzz of ideas, thoughts, curiosities, and overall chattiness (even if only within your own head) lately as the sun is in Gemini. Why not make like me (see above) and write it all down? Start to make connections between reality TV binges and conversations in therapy. Build a thought trail between professional projects and your personal growth. Look up where Gemini lands in your chart (it’s in my 12th house of spirituality, dreams, and the subconscious), and make space to write about those themes in your life. You might be surprised by the wisdom of your own mind’s inner workings.

• Anecdote: I finished The 100-Day Project! This is the third time I’ve started and completed the creative community project — in the past I’ve recorded 100 mini podcasts and written 100 mini essays, and of course, this time I wrote 100 poems. I’ve shared before about the significance of these challenges to my own creativity — to my ongoing commitment to my creativity — but I truly can’t overstate it. There’s something really magical about showing up for the act of creation every day; about stretching yourself beyond what you think you can do, what your mind can come up with, what you’re willing to share, every day for 100 days. But then you do — and it forever alters (for the better) what you know you’re creatively capable of. Every single time I do it, I’m so glad I did. And I can’t wait to do it again next year.

• Inspiration: “Did you know we literally get one wild and precious life? And you want me to not eat salted butter? God, to be in love with life is the only goal. On days when we feel Spring come back, I thank myself for the luxury of living in this body that gets to make a fool of itself / collect tiny trinkets / go to farmers markets for tulips / read poetry and get grass stains on my soft thighs”

Image via Chloe Laws