How to Avoid Making the "Wrong" Choice

And What You Really Need to Do Instead

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Photo by Laurel Segrist on Dupe

Last month, I introduced you to my years-long habit of writing letters to myself from my own “inner wisdom”. I wrote:

I’d respond to myself as myself, but from a sort of higher, farther-out-but-deeper-within, knowing place inside of me. I’d write and write and write until my hand just naturally stopped moving, and I’d read back what I’d written as if it had been authored apart from me . . . Like a personal advice column from the part of me I tapped into back then; the part of me that actually does always know what to do — and just needs to step back and listen.

Advice From My Inner Wisdom: How to Reignite Your Spark

We’re continuing the series this month! And while today’s featured question actually didn’t come from me (thanks for the question, E.G.!), it’s one I’ve subconsciously asked myself more times than I can probably count.

In fact, I think today’s question is the undercurrent for every new “wave” we avoid; for every opportunity, change, new direction that we bypass in favor of sticking with what’s familiar, even if it’s no longer right for us.

Just like last time, I didn’t really overthink my answer to the question. I just put pen to paper (fingers to iPhone screen, if I’m honest) and let it flow.

The answer was certainly a helpful reminder to me — as I hope it is for E.G., and for you too.

How do you move past the fear of making the wrong choice? A bad move, job, mate, habit, convo? - E.G.

Well, first and foremost, I remind myself that very few things are permanent — and so, it’s not very often I actually can make the wrong move.

I know it’s trite — and perhaps a little annoying to say — but if I pursue a particular path and it ends up not being right for me, I can always change course.

I can change my mind and go a new way.

I think the harder part for me — and for you too, I’d venture to guess — when faced with this sort of “What if?” crossroads has been learning how to actually trust myself.

For a long time, I was so afraid of exactly what you described in your question — of “getting it wrong” and being seen as a failure or a fuck-up in the eyes of the people whose opinions I cared about (which is to say: everybody) — that I didn’t trust myself to actually do something about it when I figured out I needed to change direction.

I thought if I started working at a job that I eventually tired of, that I’d be too scared to quit.

I assumed if I ended up in a relationship I eventually grew out of, that I wouldn’t have the guts to walk away.

I worried if I took a break from drinking alcohol, that people would think I had a “problem” — or worse, I’d discover that I did and have to swear off drinking forever!

I always thought I’d be stuck in that “wrong” decision; that I had no agency to make a new one once I’d started down a certain path.

I worried that the only way off the wrong path would be to ghost a situation, to self-sabotage, or to just wind up mired in my own misery and (mistakenly) thinking there actually was no way out.

In short, I didn’t trust myself.

What I needed to develop — and what I have developed, slowly but surely (and continually) — is that trust.

Trust that I will know when to walk away, when to make a shift, when to change directions — and trust that I will actually make the move when the time comes; that I will have the hard conversations, that I will feel the grief of an unexpected detour, that I can survive starting again on an entirely new path.

What I needed to develop — and what I have developed, slowly but surely (and continually) — is trust in myself.

This is easier said than done, of course, and there are certain choices that require a lot more trust than others, but you can start small:

Trust yourself to buy an outfit that feels authentic and comfortable.

Trust yourself to choose a book that sound interesting (but that you can DNF, if not).

Trust yourself to choose the right tasks for an important project.

And build from there.

Part of being able to trust yourself, of course, requires becoming someone worth trusting: Being honest, loyal, and in integrity to yourself as much as anybody else.

Notice the promises you make to yourself and keep them. Learn how to regulate your nervous system and practice that regularly. Consider the choices that serve the future version of you just as much, if not more, than who you are in this moment — and prioritize them.

Become someone that you can rely on, and it will be that much easier to trust that you can handle the repercussions — good or bad — of any decision you make.

The fear you describe is normal; it is real and human and natural to be afraid of making the “wrong” choice, especially when the predominant message we collectively receive — beginning in grade school if not sooner — is to get the right answer. Behave the correct way. Ace the test.

But that’s not the way life works. Often, we only learn what’s right for us by bumping into what’s wrong. It’s all part of the process. Sometimes, it’s even part of the fun! 😈

I have left jobs.

I have abandoned projects.

I have ended many relationships, including a marriage.

And many times, the fear I felt about making that change kept me stagnant so much longer than was necessary; the shame I felt about making the “wrong” decision made the experience so much harder than it needed to be.

If I had trusted myself more, I might’ve changed things sooner. I might’ve acted better. I might’ve made it easier — on myself and everyone else.

And, if nothing else, I would’ve left with solidity in my sense of self; with an understanding that, even if I had to try again (and again and again), I was sure to find my way.

I see now with hindsight what was harder to see then — no matter what I choose, I can always trust myself to find my way through it.

And so can you.

ICYMI

Last week’s I wrote about couples therapy and comedy specials, Vanderpump Rules and (hyper)vigilance, and putting my “cringe-y” poetry on the Internet. It was a real grab bag of topics, but it was fun to share what was top of my mind for me — and I’ve received a lot of really kind feedback, so it seems many of you liked it too! If you hadn’t had a chance to check it out yet, click the link to “Read full story” below and let me know in the comments what’s been top of mind for you ✨

When have you made the “wrong” choice — and how did you handle it? Feel free to share how you found your way through in the comments on Substack.