And Also! Extras | Vol. 4
Changing the rules, slowing down to create space, some recent books I could not put down, how your life will shift in the next six months, and more!
Thank you for reading And Also, a weekly newsletter featuring personal stories and lesson plans to help you navigate life ✨!
Happy Wednesday and thank you for reading the fourth edition of And Also! Extras, a curated monthly newsletter featuring some of my own life happenings, books I’ve read and wanted to buy for everyone I know, and any of the other random detritus floating around my brain when I sit down to write these.
(If you missed the last one, you can read it here ⬇️)
Welcome! And let’s get to it.
I Get to Change the Rules
I don’t know if it was an after-effect of the eclipse (my reasoning) or if I was just under-hydrated (Jordan’s), but I had a migraine that would not quit last week.
That was my main reason for not writing and sending a newsletter last Wednesday. (It’s okay if you didn’t notice; I was hoping you wouldn’t!) But I also found that I just kinda didn’t want to — or, at least, I didn’t want to send the newsletter I had planned; the one that fit the cadence of my editorial calendar, the “theme” for this month, the format I’d previously decided upon for the newsletter I send the second week of every month.
When I tell you I hemmed and hawed! I tried so hard to force myself into this pre-assigned box, into this seemingly required task, and I just could not get myself to do it. Eventually I acquiesced to the dull pain in my head and put myself to bed — but not without a fight!
Then, later that week, I had a call with my friend, Kate, where we talked about the rules we make up for ourselves; about how — more than any of the other obligations in our lives — these are the ones we have the option to opt out of! And yet, how stubbornly we can hold ourselves to something just because we said we would.
It’s tough because I do want to be accountable to you — someone who invests their time and energy reading this newsletter, THANK YOU! — and I’ve worked hard on being in integrity with myself; on keeping the promises I make to me.
But I also have to remember that I get to change the rules; I get to change my mind. We all do! And especially for a project like this — which I want to be fun and energizing and generative for me as well as you — I get to experiment and play and retire what’s no longer working so I can make space for what is.
ANYWAY. This newsletter isn’t going anywhere; I may just be “changing the rules” a little bit, as I figure out what works best for you and me.
“But I also have to remember that I get to change the rules; I get to change my mind. We all do! And especially for a project like this — which I want to be fun and energizing and generative for me as well as you — I get to experiment and play and retire what’s no longer working so I can make space for what is.”
Slowing Down to Make Space
I’m writing today’s newsletter from sunny Southern California, where I’ve traveled for the week to celebrate my mom’s birthday and meet two of my friends’ new babies.
My schedule is always pretty packed when I come “home” to California. I try to see as many people I love as possible, while also spending QT with my mom and stepdad (and their dogs!) — and this trip is no exception.
The exception this time is that, while usually I’d also try to do everything in my every day life as well — working remotely, writing this newsletter, preparing for two upcoming grad school workshops I’m leading, editing my novel, as a recent example — I’ve been doing my best to put a lot of that on pause this time. To, just for the week, slow down and give myself space: Space to catch up on sleep, space to read, and space to do absolutely nothing at all if I so choose.
I’ve tried to do this at home in Portland too, but old habits die hard — and, as our couples therapist remarked during a session today, I tend to see my life like a game of Tetris, with a bunch of floating blocks I’m constantly trying to fit together.
Rarely is there just space in the game of my life; rarely is there a block out of place — or no block at all. And mostly that feels good. But sometimes it feels good to let the blocks float for a bit too; to leave space for something different, something unexpected, or even no thing to fall into place.
I have been on a reading tear lately, and I’ve been really excited to share some of my recent favorites with you:
Cleopatra and Frankenstein by Coco Mellors: I’d picked this one up in the bookstore a few times, really intrigued by the cover and the title, but I didn’t invest until
recommended it (see Maddie’s thoughts here!). It’s the story of two people who meet and fall in love hard and fast, and how their relationship — and its evolution — affect a number of other interesting characters in their lives. Cleopatra and Frankenstein has both the deep character study of literary fiction and the compulsive readability of romance. I couldn’t put it down once I started!Sociopath by Patric Gagne: I read a New York Times interview with Patric called “What It’s Like to Be a Sociopath” back in February and I was fascinated. Patric is a diagnosed sociopath — and also a wife, mother, and former therapist. I couldn’t pre-order her memoir fast enough and I read it within 24 hours. Her personal experience is interesting, compelling, and certainly shifted my perception of sociopathy — and other personality disorders — that we often paint with a broad (very negative) brush. Though I personally related to very little of Patric’s story, I could empathize with feeling different and wanting to understand yourself in the context of the wider world. Who amongst us couldn’t?
Anita De Monte Laughs Last by Xochitl Gonzalez: This was another page-turner! I really enjoyed Xochitl’s last book, Olga Dies Dreaming, but I think I liked Anita De Monte Laughs Last even better. The story flips amongst a few different POVs: that of rising artist, Anita, narrating from beyond her death (not a spoiler, I promise); Jack, a well-known artist and Anita’s widowed husband; and Raquel, an art history student who stumbles upon Anita’s story 13 years later, recognizes parallels to her own experience, and helps to revive Anita’s legacy in the art world.
How to End a Love Story by Yulin Kuang: I LOVED THIS BOOK SO MUCH. Sort of opposite to Cleopatra and Frank, this one is more plot-forward and definitely fits neatly within the romance genre, and is also written with a literary fiction feel and deeply complex and relatable characters. Plus, the writer’s room setting was such a fun behind-the-scenes look at working in Hollywood and the steamy scenes were steamy! The origin story between the two love interests is heavy, but Yulin handles the topic both sensitively and realistically throughout the book. This is definitely one of my favorite romance novels I’ve read recently!
“All this nonsense about love being a drug, making you feel high, that's not real. It should hold you like the earth.” - Coco Mellors, Cleopatra and Frank
Mark Groves and Kylie McBeath on the To Be Magnetic podcast: I listened to this on my flight to LA — it’s a quick listen (especially if you do so on 1.5x speed as I do), but really powerful. Mark and Kylie are a couple and relationship coaches who have a new book — Liberated Love — that came out yesterday. In the episode, they use their own relationship to illustrate the ways we can all unhook from codependent and other unhealthy relational patterns, and highlight the power of the “sacred pause” (listen to the episode to learn more). I’ve read a lot of books, listened to a lot of podcast episodes, and been through a lot of therapy to work on the health of my own intimate relationships, and I still learned so much from this conversation!
Solar Eclipse in Aries Horoscopes: Yes, the solar eclipse was a week and a half ago, but from an astrological perspective, we’ll likely feel (and see) the shifts over the next six months. In my natal chart, Aries is in the 10th House of career, ambition, and being seen, so I’ve been exploring themes around the evolution of my career, stepping into a position of greater leadership, and healing fears around visibility in my work as I note what’s coming up for me after the eclipse. Eclipses are meant to shake things up — “expect the unexpected” is the theme I hear most often from astrologers — so I’m both excited and a little nervous to see what shifts for me in this area of my life. Check the link to find out what might be shifting for you!
Rediscovering Enthusiasm By Connecting With My Creative Roots: My guest essay on
’s Little Things went live earlier this month! I wrote about my experience reconnecting with my creativity by reconnecting with my inner child. I’m really proud of this essay, which includes mentions of The Artist’s Way, Harriet the Spy, and my beloved grandma who first encouraged my authorial pursuits. I hope you’ll give it a read!
Let us as a writer community never give each other crap for missing a beat once or twice. Migraines are the worst, happy for you it's over now. I'm very intrigued by Sociopath!
Thank for writing about the rules! I design the rules to keep myself on track and sometimes forget that when the circumstances change , or I learn differently, that I can change them!!! I love Anita too!!